Sunday, 28 December 2008

SKRUKk


idag satt vi og snakket om Skrukken ved middagsbordet hos mor. det festlige var at min søte uskyldige mor trodde at skruk at det vi mente med skrukk var "sunnmøre kristelige ungdomskor" og ikke området mellom skrotum og rektum, som Harald Eia viste fram på NRK for et par år siden. mor hadde ikke hørt om skrukken før og syntes Eia var avskyelig som kunne vise fram skrotum på tv. men jeg tror hun lo litt inne i seg, for egentlig så er hun en frekkas hun og, hun bare later som hun ikke er for the sake of the children.





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Sunday, 14 December 2008

google earth on the moon


Last night I dreamt that the moon was so huge it completely blocked the sun. so even though I woke up in the middle of the day, there was no sunlight. I went out to look at the moon, and when I came out, I was the only one that was out. I started calling my friends to wake them up and tell them to go outside and look at the moon, but they were too lazy to leave their beds. So I just looked at the moon by myself.

Everything was covered in a blue shadow, and looked cold, like it does in the moonlight in the winter in places without streetlights. Have you noticed how it sort of looks like the moon has an uneven surface, like the holes on a cheese? because it was so big, I could see that what I had always thought was an uneven surface, was actually a map, and then i realised that it was not a map, it was a reflection of the earth, and that if I looked carefully I could see streets, buildings and people. and I could zoom in on the images just like in google earth.

perhaps the moon is just another earth with the same countries and the same people and if you went there, it would be just like here, only the earth lit up in the night instead of the moon?


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Wednesday, 26 November 2008

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

the mysterious switch



I found, or rather noticed a switch in my room today that I had not noticed before. It is in the corner in between my bed and my laundry basket. It's white and it has a cable going from the box and under the carpet. where does the cable end up? and what is the switch for? should I try it and see what happens?

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Sunday, 16 November 2008

It's Friday I'm in love



Is definitely FRIDAY. The rest of the week is just spent waiting for the Friday night to come. What would the week be like without the Friday?

SUNDAY is my second favourite. On sundays I do three fun things in one day: Climbing, reading in the library (in sweatpants) and archery.


I also enjoy TUESDAYS and WEDNESDAYS. Because we watch documentaries about monkeys and slides with pictures of penises in lecture.


SATURDAYS are good in Norway, but here Saturadys just makes me feel bad because it tends to be the least productive day of the week. It also the day of the week where I’m most likely to have a hangover.


I’m always emo-moody on THURSDAYS. That is due to the fact that we have lectures from 10 to 4. In addition to that I’m reminded every Thursday at 11 o clock when I go to get caffeinated soft drinks in the campus shop that they quit selling red bull and replaced it with Relentless. Unfortunately, Relentless only comes in cans, which means you have to drink it all in one go and it’s a whole fucking PINT of it.


MONDAY. Isn’t it needless to explain why Monday is on the bottom of my favourite day of the week list.


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Thursday, 9 October 2008

Nadias photoshopart-picture of us and David Blaine


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everything I said I was gonna write about, but didnt


I haven't updated my blog in AGES. but over summer I've had many ideas about tthings I wanted to write about but never did. For instance

  • all the useful and less useful stuff I learned about elderly and alcoholics in my summer job. what gravity does to your body as your aging, what they eat, funny expressions they use etc
  • The Hove festival. what bands I saw, how they were, the people I met and how my language changed after it. "dridd" and "hekking".
  • the Croatia trip. but I have talked so much about it, that I can't be bothered to repeat any of it.
  • about Swedish people. I have met so many Swedes this summer. In my job, out on the town in Stavanger, in Croatia and here in Essex, and everyone is nice, fit and friendly. I think swedes are statistically significant nicer than people from other nations and I don't think I have ever seen an ugly Swedish person in person. (Tomas von Bröhmsen is not particularly good looking though, but I only saw him on film, so he doesn't count.)
    • It even says in urbandictionary.com how cool Swedish people are:
    1. swede 316 up, 118 down love ithate it

    An extremely cool, dope and chill person from Sweden; Europe.
    You've seen that swede livin' in mah block?

    2. Swede 167 up, 81 down love ithate it

    The coolest people this side of the mason dixon line.
    "Wow, I wish I could cool and Swedish like that Swede. I guess Im going to go kill myself, because I have seen a level of swankness that I can never possibly reach."
  • How stupid it is when Norwegians brings brunost with them if they go somewhere on a holiday or something. like this idiot, who brought half a kilo of Gudbrandsdalsost to America.
  • the books I read this summer (Jakten på den røde rubin was my favourite, thanks Ida)
Over og ut for denne gang. mer kommer snart. hvis jeg gidder.

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Monday, 7 July 2008

Norwegian according to Lulu



Min søte, engelske venn Lulu har virkelig lagt seg i selen for å gjøre seg forstått når hun sender meg beskjeder på facebook. Hun har slått opp hvert ord i en online dictionary og oversatt det til Norsk. sånn ser det ut når Lulu prøver seg på norsk:

Jeg gikk omkring campus for minst tjue minutes. se ut som en gal bitch som var høy på noe ! til mitt hell, jeg kommet over noe tilfeldig full kar og lånte hans telefon til å kalle sikkerheten.. Det eneste problemet er han startet følgende meg da jeg startet å gåing som er bak til det flate ! drama ! drama ! Jeg returnerer din nøkkel sammen med gruvedrift når jeg forlater. det vil være om to dager. Å, og jeg fikk til slutt din hoste... takker deg gerda ! ! du søt hjerte ! : -P Geerrddaa ! !!!! haha ! ! hvordan er fridagen som drar ? Gud, jeg kan ikke tro jeg fikk 71,4. du får hva du ville ? mangler deg mye ! lulu xoxoxoxox

Hei søt terte. ofcourse som du kan bruke min nordmann på din blogg !

I løpet av denne sommeren er jeg slik travel. jeg gjør et forretningsutviklingsprogrÅ ! !!! som jeg liker hvordan du brukte det bildet på din blogg ! spesielt når vi begge vet hva jeg ser ut som om morgenen ! : -D



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Monday, 26 May 2008

Things you didn't know about me

I have many secrets. Some of you already know one or two. I spread bits and pieces around to different people, but I never reveal the whole truth about myself to one person.

Today I have decided to tell you some facts and rumours you probably haven’t heard and perhaps you didn’t want to know about me.

Enjoy!

I have three nipples. My third nipple (or super-nipple as I prefer to call it) is situated about ten centimetres below my left breast and it looks just like a mole. Supernumerary nipples occur in about 1 in 18 humans, and it is also common among other mammals. Lily Allen and Mark Wahlberg also have one.

I have 89 cousins. My granddad was known as a great Casanova in his youth. He was married most of his life but that didn’t stop him from spreading his genes around the country.

Do this picture need more
explaining?----------->


I’m afraid of dolls.

The reason why I am two-three years older than most of the students on my course, is because I spent a year in a juvenile correctional facility at home for committing a crime. This happened in my second year in secondary school, so I had to take the year over again when I came out.

I’m a big fat liar.





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Sunday, 11 May 2008

A conversation with an emo kid



My sister is an emo kid. She has told me all about being emo. If you want to know how an emo-mind works, keep reading:

EMOTIONS

Being an emo-kid is not all about the looks. Its about EMOTIONS. Emo-kids are very much in touch with their feelings and they have a broader perspective of feelings than regular people do. And when they feel things, the feeling is ten times stronger than when regular people feel.

LOVE

Her boyfriend has the excact same haircut as her. (long, coloured black hair with a long, sideswept fringe) and they share eye-liner (MAC in very black) they take the bus together when they are meeting up with other emos. They sit side by side and listen to My chemical romance on the black ipod, wearing one earplug each.

FRIENDSHIP

When emo-kids meet they watch corpse-bride and Salad-fingers on youtube and recite Edgar Allan Poe poetry together. They talk about how stupid people are to discriminate them and how unfair the world is treating them.

SELF HURTING

Emos have as mentioned earlier very strong emotions. They are mostly depressive ones. These emotions are to be shared with the world. The way they do it is by cutting the pale, pale skin on their arms so that people see their scars and know they are suffering. My sister plays with Cedric, so he scratches up her arms so much it bleeds. It makes her feel better, she says. And it looks really cool.

Emos have been trained to not laugh of jokes. My sister has a mantra she repeats to herself whenever she has the urge to laugh; “Gerard Way is dead”. One of her more extreme friends put razorblades in his anus and clench his butt cheeks together when he feels like laughing.


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Thursday, 1 May 2008

Monday, 21 April 2008

the Cat-Lady


The crazy cat-lady

I am planning on staying single forever. As time goes by, I’m going to grow weirder, happier and more stubborn every year. When all my friends are living as pensioners in Spain with their spouses, I will go by myself to little cafés to read books and drink coffee, wearing hats that were fashionable two decades ago. I want to live in a house with a garden and at least six cats. When I die, I want to be buried underneath a cherry-tree in my little garden and have all my six cats pee on the wild roses growing on my grave.

Unless, I meet someone worth sharing my time with. My grandfather used to say “Life is too short to pick ugly flowers”. Wise words from a wise man. (However a bit ironic considering he married Grandma.) Anyway… Don’t interpret the saying too literally. It is not about looks. The reason why I’m going to stay single forever is because I really doubt I will ever find a man who is all of the following:

  • French. Or French-speaking. Just because I love the language. And because he could whisper things I wouldn’t know the meaning of in my ear.

  • Between 179 and 189cm tall. He must tall enough for me to wear heels, but not so tall I feel small.

  • Good-looking but not better looking than me. I read in the Easy jet flight magazine that in couples were the woman is prettier than the man are usually happier than when the man is prettier than the woman.

  • He must be funny.
  • he must like animals and prefer cats over dogs.
  • he must respect people that are different from himself.

  • He should say something nice to me at least once every hour. Except from when I’m sleeping. That would just be annoying
  • he must be able and willing to carry me + 10 kg (in case I gain weight in the future)

  • He should know how to cook. Toasting bread does not count for cooking.

  • He does not like football. He can PLAY football if he wants, and watch a game occasionally as long as it is not more often than once a year and he does not own any supporter gear.

  • He must have a life. And do something outside the home at least three times a week. (work and grocery-shopping does not count)

  • I prefer a guy who is neither alcoholic nor addicted to drugs.
  • he must be able to fly

  • Cat-allergy is not very sexy
  • he must not do or have the desire to do any of the following: own an SUV, kill kttens, take advantage of prostitutes or have a tribal-tattoo done.

  • He should know how to dress. And should avoid wearing anything with cleavage, bling or Fpu-logos.
  • he must not wear regular socks with shorts. alternatively he can wear TRAINER-SOCKS. trainer socks would impress me.
  • he must be open-minded.

  • Intelligent. Someone has got to do the thinking of us.

  • Not too old and not too young. He must have been born in the same decade as me, but be at least 2 years older than my sister.
  • He should have either freckles, a three-day beard or smile-dimples but it is not a must.
  • he must own a minimum of three pairs of shoes
  • he must be brave enough to sing karaoke even though he sucks at it
  • he sucks at karaoke and knows it
  • he must read at least two novels a year
  • he must like at least three of the following: Hank von Helvete, Sylvia Plath, David Lynch and Debbie Harry.
  • he should not have hair between his eyebrows or on his back. In that case, he must wax it off.
  • he must notice me when I'm standing next to Elvira (aka Lisa Lovheim)
  • He must not have hedgehog-hair nor must he use any of the following hair-products: dry-shampoo, highlighting, hairSPRAY, mousse and GEL. (especially gel). However, hairpaste and wax are acceptable products for a man to use.
  • he must wash his hands before eating and after going to the loo. He must also brush his teeth at least twice a day. (laugh all you want girls, but not all guys do this)
  • it would also be an advantage if he actually LIKED me.

Obviously this man does not exist, so I will just have to settle down with my six cats and live happily ever after.

PS THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL AD!


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Thursday, 17 April 2008

mors bursdag



Mor har bursdag om 3dager. (Samme dag som Hitler, hihihi) Hun er faktisk barnsligere enn meg og alle søsknene mine til sammen. dette er invitasjonen hun sendte til vennnene sine:

(står skreve med barneskrift) HEI VIL DU KÅMME TE MIN 5(4) ÅRSDAG.. FREDA KLÅKKA HALL ÅTTE?? ØNSKELISTE: LOKTELYS, SÆRVIETTER, STEINER, SJÆLL, HØNSEJØSSEL. MENY: PØLSE Å BRUS. ANTRKK: HÅRSLØYFE, HALLSOKKER ÆLLER KNESTRØMPE. HILSEN ÅSE

og det beste er at hun faktisk har kjøpt inn pølser, eventyrbrus og pølsebrød!
Jeg må le.
Gratulerer med dagen mor (litt på forskudd)

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Friday, 4 April 2008

what to do? help a woman in her boredom (is that even a word?)

Here is a list of things to do so I don’t spend the next four days on facebook-stalking and playing solitaire:

Read all my receipts from the two last terms, (I save them. Just in case.) Classify the types of items purchased. I wonder what the most common article is. Bread? Beer? (But that of course depends on whether I count every single beer or sixpack) If I do that, the fact that I have been saving all my receipts since 2005 would somehow feel justified.

Make an art installation of the huge granny pants I bought in Primark. They were the wrong size but I don’t want to throw them away.

Call random numbers on the extension line and ask people if they want to have an outdoors party with me in the park. Hopefully a large number of people would turn up, including David Blaine.

Purchase many boxes of Lego-bricks and build something useful like a clothes-rack to have in my room. That would be rather expensive tough, seeing as a 500-piece box of LEGO is 13pounds and I guess I would need at least two boxes to build something worth building. However, I would consider it a long-term investment, because I could have them and play with them as much as I wanted in the future.

What do you think I should do? Vote here:



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Thursday, 3 April 2008

The cat that was mistaken for a dog



I am a cat-person. Cats are lovely, soft and cute animals. If a cat loves you, it is because you have earned it. cats can feed themselves and walk themselves. They do not just instantly love you like a dog does. Not that there is anything wrong with dogs. I just happen to prefer cats over dogs.



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Friday, 21 March 2008

Sunday, 2 March 2008



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Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest


Dumb and Dumber is one of my favourite films. Jim Carey's haircut is reason good enough to watch it. And offcourse the snowfight between Mary and Harry (Jeff Daniels) is hilarious. Perhaps you think that people like Lloyd and Harry doesn't exist in real life, but think again. Nadia and I are the female equivalent of Lloyd and Harry:


  • When Nadia had written her 5000 word sociology essay and had to hand it in with double line spacing, she actually pressed SPACE between every single line!

  • I have been to Ayia Napa, but I don't know which country its in.

  • Nadia and Dave in sub zero: Dave stretched out his arms as he was being bodysearched. Nadia asks him why he is playing Jesus

  • A five year old won over me in Memory and I was playing to win.

  • you know that song with Adele? «should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?» Nadia thought she was singing «chasing penguins?» ahahah

  • I don't know how to multiply and divide numbers with more than one digit by hand.


SO, WHO IS THE DUMBEST? VOTE HERE


Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Namra on donkeys


My friend Namra, (previously mentioned in the post about FLAFF) is the author of this guest-post about donkeys.


Donkeys

I never liked Donkeys. They’re ugly and make the strangest noise; ”aaaaa iiiiii aaaaaa”. What do they think they’re saying when they make that noise? “Loooook at meeeee, I’m speeecial”, “Iiii’m a freak”! Actually, that sounds a bit like me…but, back to the point; donkeys are ugly, and I’m beautiful, and beautiful things don’t like ugly things. I don’t even like horses, so why the hell would I like donkeys, the horse-midget with bad skin?

On the other hand, I’m supposed to me a good person, and I shouldn’t hate ugly things just because they’re ugly, right? But donkeys are the only ugly things I hate. I know about tons of other ugly things that I don’t dislike. Like ugly people. I love ugly people. Or so called ugly people. I don’t think that anyone is ugly. I look at everybody as a piece of art. But when it comes to donkeys, I’m a cold hearted bitch. Or at least I was, until I watched this documentary on television. I only watched about five minutes of that documentary, but still, it changed my perspective on life, or on donkeys to be more exact.

It was about donkeys of course. A woman owned a donkey farm, where she took care of donkeys that were hurt. She tried to help donkeys that were being used in conflicts and wars. Palestinians would for example paint the flag on the ugly donkey, and the Israelis would answer this by throwing rocks on the donkey, or even putting fire on it. Some donkeys were also used as living bombs, like terrorists, almost. Putting bombs on the stupid little donkey, making it cross the borderline, before it exploded after screaming “aaaaaa iiiiiii aaaaaa”.

Poor little donkey! It’s not he’s fault that he is ugly. It really isn’t. It’s not his fault that he screams like a crazy maniac. It really isn’t. Or maybe he’s not ugly at all. Who are we to judge what is ugly and what is not. After this documentary I decided that the whole world was beautiful. Even dark men who have faces covered in hair. I think they’re called terrorists (even though all bearded men aren’t terrorists). Anyway, my point it, that from this day on, I will not judge donkeys. And I will use my entire life to help and save donkeys!

POWER TO THE DONKEYS!


Namra Saleem, the Starlet



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Sunday, 24 February 2008

Eeva-Leena is sitting in a tree


Strange things are indeed happening in Wivenhoe Park. The story about Kim was something that happened a long time ago. A day after the dinosaur-incident, me and my Finnish friend Eeva-Leena went to the park to look for the remains of Kim.

We soon forgot what we were supposed to do there, and started climbing a tree instead. There were few, but thick branches to use. After a lot of sweating and swearing we reached a plateau quite high above the ground. The space was good enough for us both to rest, and so we did. We could see all the way to the lake where the ducks were swimming around trying to get to the breadcrumbs before the rats did. Despite of the nice view, and the spacious plateau, Eeva-Leena wasn’t satisfied. She thought that if we could go even higher up, there would be an even better view up there. “It is too far, and too dangerous” I said and started going down again. Eeva-Leena was not following. “I’m going further up.” She said. “But there are no branches left to climb.” I said. She just repeated “I’m going further up”. I knew there was no point in arguing against this Finn. (Finns are very stubborn.) So I left.

Two days after, on Monday, I didn’t see Eeva-Leena in lecture. Neither on Tuesday nor Wednesday. On Thursday, people started asking for her. Eventually I went looking for her in the park. As I had suspected, she was still there. In the tree. On the exact same spot as I had left her on Sunday. I said “Do you need help with coming down?” She said she didn’t need any help with a voice that sounded surprised and almost annoyed that I would even ask such a silly question, because she was obviously doing more than fine up here in the tree. She was planning on sitting there till the tree grew so high she would be able to see the roof of the library on the other side of the lake! I shook my head in despair and tried to put some sense into her. “You will starve! And if you don’t, you’ll die of loneliness or freeze to death!” But no, this Finn had a solution for everything. (Finns are also known for their practicality.) One of the gardeners had given her a sleeping bag, and people having barbecues and feeding the ducks in the lake, had given her sausages and stale bread.

I left her there, and two years after, the tree had grown so tall, I couldn’t visit her anymore. I finished my degree, and went back to my old country to work.

Eeva-Leena is still up there. Every year I go back to Wivenhoe Park during the summer break to visit her. I don’t think she is ever coming down. If you don’t believe me, go see for yourself. She is up in the tallest tree behind the duck lake. If you go to the top floor of the library and use binoculars to look, you might see a Finn up there. In the tallest tree in the park.



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Saturday, 23 February 2008

A dinosaur ate my boyfriend

Something weird happened today. I was walking through Wivenhoe park. With Kim. Kim was talking about baseline-updating and google tracker, I wasn't listening. Suddenly the earth started shaking a little. Kim and I stopped. The leaves started rustling behind us, we turned around and guess what we saw? A huge dinosaur! I ran and ran and my heart was beating faster than ever. I looked over my shoulder as i ran and saw Kim frozed on the spot. The dinosaur picked him up like a paper-doll and bit of his head. Blood squirted out of his neck like in some bad splatter film. I was mortified. Next, the dinosaur started chewing his arms. I passed out.






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