the Cat-Lady

The crazy cat-lady

I am planning on staying single forever. As time goes by, I’m going to grow weirder, happier and more stubborn every year. When all my friends are living as pensioners in Spain with their spouses, I will go by myself to little cafés to read books and drink coffee, wearing hats that were fashionable two decades ago. I want to live in a house with a garden and at least six cats. When I die, I want to be buried underneath a cherry-tree in my little garden and have all my six cats pee on the wild roses growing on my grave.

Unless, I meet someone worth sharing my time with. My grandfather used to say “Life is too short to pick ugly flowers”. Wise words from a wise man. (However a bit ironic considering he married Grandma.) Anyway… Don’t interpret the saying too literally. It is not about looks. The reason why I’m going to stay single forever is because I really doubt I will ever find a man who is all of the following:

• French. Or French-speaking. Just because I love the language. And because he could whisper things I wouldn’t know the meaning of in my ear.

• Between 179 and 189cm tall. He must tall enough for me to wear heels, but not so tall I feel small.

• Good-looking but not better looking than me. I read in the Easy jet flight magazine that in couples were the woman is prettier than the man are usually happier than when the man is prettier than the woman.

• He must be funny.
• he must like animals and prefer cats over dogs.
  
• he must respect people that are different from himself.

• He should say something nice to me at least once every hour. Except from when I’m sleeping. That would just be annoying
• he must be able and willing to carry me + 10 kg (in case I gain weight in the future)
  

• He should know how to cook. Toasting bread does not count for cooking.

• He does not like football. He can PLAY football if he wants, and watch a game occasionally as long as it is not more often than once a year and he does not own any supporter gear.

• He must have a life. And do something outside the home at least three times a week. (work and grocery-shopping does not count)

• I prefer a guy who is neither alcoholic nor addicted to drugs.
• he must be able to fly

• Cat-allergy is not very sexy
• he must not do or have the desire to do any of the following: own an SUV, kill kttens, take advantage of prostitutes or have a tribal-tattoo done.
  

• He should know how to dress. And should avoid wearing anything with cleavage, bling or Fpu-logos.
  
• he must not wear regular socks with shorts. alternatively he can wear TRAINER-SOCKS. trainer socks would impress me.
  
• he must be open-minded.
  

• Intelligent. Someone has got to do the thinking of us.

• Not too old and not too young. He must have been born in the same decade as me, but be at least 2 years older than my sister.
• He should have either freckles, a three-day beard or smile-dimples but it is not a must.
• he must own a minimum of three pairs of shoes
  
• he must be brave enough to sing karaoke even though he sucks at it
• he sucks at karaoke and knows it
• he must read at least two novels a year
• he must like at least three of the following: Hank von Helvete, Sylvia Plath, David Lynch and Debbie Harry.
• he should not have hair between his eyebrows or on his back. In that case, he must wax it off.
• he must notice me when I'm standing next to Elvira (aka Lisa Lovheim)
• He must not have hedgehog-hair nor must he use any of the following hair-products: dry-shampoo, highlighting, hairSPRAY, mousse and GEL. (especially gel). However, hairpaste and wax are acceptable products for a man to use.
  
• he must wash his hands before eating and after going to the loo. He must also brush his teeth at least twice a day. (laugh all you want girls, but not all guys do this)
• it would also be an advantage if he actually LIKED me.
  

Obviously this man does not exist, so I will just have to settle down with my six cats and live happily ever after.

PS THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL AD!

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mors bursdag

Mor har bursdag om 3dager. (Samme dag som Hitler, hihihi) Hun er faktisk barnsligere enn meg og alle søsknene mine til sammen. dette er invitasjonen hun sendte til vennnene sine:

(står skreve med barneskrift) HEI VIL DU KÅMME TE MIN 5(4) ÅRSDAG.. FREDA KLÅKKA HALL ÅTTE?? ØNSKELISTE: LOKTELYS, SÆRVIETTER, STEINER, SJÆLL, HØNSEJØSSEL. MENY: PØLSE Å BRUS. ANTRKK: HÅRSLØYFE, HALLSOKKER ÆLLER KNESTRØMPE. HILSEN ÅSE

og det beste er at hun faktisk har kjøpt inn pølser, eventyrbrus og pølsebrød!
Jeg må le.
Gratulerer med dagen mor (litt på forskudd)



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what to do? help a woman in her boredom (is that even a word?)

Here is a list of things to do so I don’t spend the next four days on facebook-stalking and playing solitaire:

Read all my receipts from the two last terms, (I save them. Just in case.) Classify the types of items purchased. I wonder what the most common article is. Bread? Beer? (But that of course depends on whether I count every single beer or sixpack) If I do that, the fact that I have been saving all my receipts since 2005 would somehow feel justified.

Make an art installation of the huge granny pants I bought in Primark. They were the wrong size but I don’t want to throw them away.

Call random numbers on the extension line and ask people if they want to have an outdoors party with me in the park. Hopefully a large number of people would turn up, including David Blaine.

Purchase many boxes of Lego-bricks and build something useful like a clothes-rack to have in my room. That would be rather expensive tough, seeing as a 500-piece box of LEGO is 13pounds and I guess I would need at least two boxes to build something worth building. However, I would consider it a long-term investment, because I could have them and play with them as much as I wanted in the future.

What do you think I should do? Vote here:

The cat that was mistaken for a dog

I am a cat-person. Cats are lovely, soft and cute animals. If a cat loves you, it is because you have earned it. cats can feed themselves and walk themselves. They do not just instantly love you like a dog does. Not that there is anything wrong with dogs. I just happen to prefer cats over dogs.

Hole

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Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest

Dumb and Dumber is one of my favourite films. Jim Carey's haircut is reason good enough to watch it. And offcourse the snowfight between Mary and Harry (Jeff Daniels) is hilarious. Perhaps you think that people like Lloyd and Harry doesn't exist in real life, but think again. Nadia and I are the female equivalent of Lloyd and Harry:

• When Nadia had written her 5000 word sociology essay and had to hand it in with double line spacing, she actually pressed SPACE between every single line!

• I have been to Ayia Napa, but I don't know which country its in.

• Nadia and Dave in sub zero: Dave stretched out his arms as he was being bodysearched. Nadia asks him why he is playing Jesus

• A five year old won over me in Memory and I was playing to win.

• you know that song with Adele? «should I give up, or should I just keep chasing pavements?» Nadia thought she was singing «chasing penguins?» ahahah

• I don't know how to multiply and divide numbers with more than one digit by hand.

SO, WHO IS THE DUMBEST? VOTE HERE

Namra on donkeys

My friend Namra, (previously mentioned in the post about FLAFF) is the author of this guest-post about donkeys.

Donkeys

I never liked Donkeys. They’re ugly and make the strangest noise; ”aaaaa iiiiii aaaaaa”. What do they think they’re saying when they make that noise? “Loooook at meeeee, I’m speeecial”, “Iiii’m a freak”! Actually, that sounds a bit like me…but, back to the point; donkeys are ugly, and I’m beautiful, and beautiful things don’t like ugly things. I don’t even like horses, so why the hell would I like donkeys, the horse-midget with bad skin?

On the other hand, I’m supposed to me a good person, and I shouldn’t hate ugly things just because they’re ugly, right? But donkeys are the only ugly things I hate. I know about tons of other ugly things that I don’t dislike. Like ugly people. I love ugly people. Or so called ugly people. I don’t think that anyone is ugly. I look at everybody as a piece of art. But when it comes to donkeys, I’m a cold hearted bitch. Or at least I was, until I watched this documentary on television. I only watched about five minutes of that documentary, but still, it changed my perspective on life, or on donkeys to be more exact.

It was about donkeys of course. A woman owned a donkey farm, where she took care of donkeys that were hurt. She tried to help donkeys that were being used in conflicts and wars. Palestinians would for example paint the flag on the ugly donkey, and the Israelis would answer this by throwing rocks on the donkey, or even putting fire on it. Some donkeys were also used as living bombs, like terrorists, almost. Putting bombs on the stupid little donkey, making it cross the borderline, before it exploded after screaming “aaaaaa iiiiiii aaaaaa”.

Poor little donkey! It’s not he’s fault that he is ugly. It really isn’t. It’s not his fault that he screams like a crazy maniac. It really isn’t. Or maybe he’s not ugly at all. Who are we to judge what is ugly and what is not. After this documentary I decided that the whole world was beautiful. Even dark men who have faces covered in hair. I think they’re called terrorists (even though all bearded men aren’t terrorists). Anyway, my point it, that from this day on, I will not judge donkeys. And I will use my entire life to help and save donkeys!

POWER TO THE DONKEYS!

Namra Saleem, the Starlet

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