The crazy cat-lady
I am planning on staying single forever. As time goes by, I’m going to grow weirder, happier and more stubborn every year. When all my friends are living as pensioners in Spain with their spouses, I will go by myself to little cafés to read books and drink coffee, wearing hats that were fashionable two decades ago. I want to live in a house with a garden and at least six cats. When I die, I want to be buried underneath a cherry-tree in my little garden and have all my six cats pee on the wild roses growing on my grave.
Unless, I meet someone worth sharing my time with. My grandfather used to say “Life is too short to pick ugly flowers”. Wise words from a wise man. (However a bit ironic considering he married Grandma.) Anyway… Don’t interpret the saying too literally. It is not about looks. The reason why I’m going to stay single forever is because I really doubt I will ever find a man who is all of the following:
- French. Or French-speaking. Just because I love the language. And because he could whisper things I wouldn’t know the meaning of in my ear.
- Between 179 and 189cm tall. He must tall enough for me to wear heels, but not so tall I feel small.
- Good-looking but not better looking than me. I read in the Easy jet flight magazine that in couples were the woman is prettier than the man are usually happier than when the man is prettier than the woman.
- He must be funny.
- he must like animals and prefer cats over dogs.
- he must respect people that are different from himself.
- He should say something nice to me at least once every hour. Except from when I’m sleeping. That would just be annoying
- he must be able and willing to carry me + 10 kg (in case I gain weight in the future)
- He should know how to cook. Toasting bread does not count for cooking.
- He does not like football. He can PLAY football if he wants, and watch a game occasionally as long as it is not more often than once a year and he does not own any supporter gear.
- He must have a life. And do something outside the home at least three times a week. (work and grocery-shopping does not count)
- I prefer a guy who is neither alcoholic nor addicted to drugs.
- he must be able to fly
- Cat-allergy is not very sexy
- he must not do or have the desire to do any of the following: own an SUV, kill kttens, take advantage of prostitutes or have a tribal-tattoo done.
- He should know how to dress. And should avoid wearing anything with cleavage, bling or Fpu-logos.
- he must not wear regular socks with shorts. alternatively he can wear TRAINER-SOCKS. trainer socks would impress me.
- he must be open-minded.
- Intelligent. Someone has got to do the thinking of us.
- Not too old and not too young. He must have been born in the same decade as me, but be at least 2 years older than my sister.
- He should have either freckles, a three-day beard or smile-dimples but it is not a must.
- he must own a minimum of three pairs of shoes
- he sucks at karaoke and knows it
- he must read at least two novels a year
- he must like at least three of the following: Hank von Helvete, Sylvia Plath, David Lynch and Debbie Harry.
- he should not have hair between his eyebrows or on his back. In that case, he must wax it off.
- he must notice me when I'm standing next to Elvira (aka Lisa Lovheim)
- He must not have hedgehog-hair nor must he use any of the following hair-products: dry-shampoo, highlighting, hairSPRAY, mousse and GEL. (especially gel). However, hairpaste and wax are acceptable products for a man to use.
- he must wash his hands before eating and after going to the loo. He must also brush his teeth at least twice a day. (laugh all you want girls, but not all guys do this)
- it would also be an advantage if he actually LIKED me.
Obviously this man does not exist, so I will just have to settle down with my six cats and live happily ever after.
PS THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL AD!
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